Since my husband’s pornography addiction has reared its’ ugly head again, I have reached out to others for encouragement because this is something you do not want to face alone. Well, not all the encouragement has been positive or even nice. Some people, even Christians, just don’t know how to comfort someone who is facing this problem. Well, to start here are some things not to say. Yes, these things have been said to me by Christians and non-Christians alike.
7 Things You Should Never Say to the Wife of a Pornography Addict
- At least he is not physically sleeping with someone else. Yes, my husband didn’t physically sleep with someone else. Pornography is a heart issue. According to the Matthew 5:28, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” In God’s eyes and in a wife’s, a person looking at pornography has committed adultery. My husband lusted after other women.
- Maybe you should make more effort in bed with him. My husband’s addiction happened way before I met him. I have no part in his addiction. Saying anything to this effect alludes that I have part of the blame in my husband’s addiction. You wouldn’t say, you should make better tea to a wife whose husband has a drinking problem.
- Maybe you should pay more attention to your appearance. My husband is attracted to me. Pornography is not about sexual attraction. Pornography addiction is about a chemical reaction and sin nature. During sexual process, the brain begins narrowing its focus as it releases a tidal wave of endorphins and other neurochemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and serotonin. These “natural drugs” produce a tremendous rush or high. When they are released during pornography use and other sexual addiction behaviors, we call them “the fearsome four” due to the severe addiction and many negative consequences they produce in the brain and nervous system(source). A porn addict is after the high, not the attractiveness of the person.
- Divorce is never the answer. Actually according to the Bible, adultery is grounds for divorce. Jesus said, “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery,” (Matt. 19:9). The word in Greek for immorality is porneia from which we get the word pornography. Sexual immorality, i.e., adultery, is a grounds for divorce according to Jesus. (source) I am not saying divorce is the answer all the time, but if a husband refuses to acknowledge his sin then maybe it should be considered. I am excited that my husband is acknowledging his sin, getting biblical counseling, and working through his addiction. Just like God can give grace, so can a wife offer grace and forgiveness. [Read more…]