My Husband’s Supporter not P.I.

One of the things I struggle with as a wife of someone who has a pornography addiction is trying to keep tabs on my husband. The truth…it is exhausting work.  I can’t tell you how many times I have checked my husband’s phone, asked him if he “looked”, and worried about him while I was out. I believe that burden of being the keeper of his commitment to get better is something God wouldn’t want me to handle. Ultimately, the husband is the head of my family. I am not in charge of him. I don’t think I should get all private investigator on him. I should support him in any way he feels necessary. He does share with when he struggles and is open with me when needed. Trust is broken in my relationship, God is healer though- not me. My job is to be his supporter, his help-meet.

Being my Husband’s Supporter

  1. Pray for him. I am praying for him. I am on my knees asking God to give my husband the strength and courage to fight this addiction. He is in a battle against his flesh and against the powers of Satan.
  2. Avoid “triggers”.  I Corinthians 8:9 says, “Be careful, however, that the exercise of your rights does not become a stumbling block to the weak.” Since my husband has a sexual addiction he probably has more triggers than the non-sexually addicted man. Certain TV shows, activities, and places may have to be avoided until my husband gets his addiction under control. I am not saying that these things have to be avoided forever, but sexual addiction is similar to alcoholic addiction. During recovery, you wouldn’t find an alcoholic in a bar, don’t expect my husband to be shopping at Victoria Secret.
  3. Get educated. Sexual addiction is a nasty beast. You have no idea how to support or pray for your husband without knowing the battle he is in. My favorite book to read about his addiction is Every Heart Restored by Brenda and Fred Stoeker. I also like the Unveiled Wife, XXXChurch, and the Covenant Eyes Blog.Continue Reading

Seeing God at Work in My Marriage

My husband battles sexual addiction, more specifically, a pornography addiction. We went through a very hard time a few months ago and my husband is in counseling. I have been praying for him so much. Yesterday, my husband forgot his phone and I glanced through it. Yup, I found some but not much. I also found an inappropriate text to one of his old high school female friends. I was hurt, I was angry. The thing is though, I had time to work it out. My husband was working a 13 hour shift. Since I had his phone I had no way to contact him.

I cried because I know the battle he is undertaking. I cried because even though I didn’t enlist into this war zone, I am drafted. My heart hurt and I did some bad emotional eating. I know that was wrong. I then decided to do the smart thing and spend some time with God. I got into my Bible, sung some worship songs, and listened to some Beth Moore videos on YouTube.

I wished I would of done of all of that first.

I wished I would of let Jesus fill my void and not food.

God at Work in My Marriage

By the time my husband got home I was pretty much cried out and calm. I confronted him and then the most amazing thing happened. He admitted he looked, he admitted he was wrong. He didn’t try to blame me like previous times. He didn’t blame being tired. He didn’t blame anyone but himself. He said it is hard. He said he will attend counseling more often. We didn’t spend all night arguing.Continue Reading

7 Things You Should Never Say to the Wife of a Pornography Addict

Since my husband’s pornography addiction has reared its’ ugly head again, I have reached out to others for encouragement because this is something you do not want to face alone. Well, not all the encouragement has been positive or even nice.  Some people, even Christians, just don’t know how to comfort someone who is facing this problem. Well, to start here are some things not to say. Yes, these things have been said to me by Christians and non-Christians alike.dc588b0d1175a74320c9fd9d46cbdda5

 

 7 Things You Should Never Say to the Wife of a Pornography Addict

  1. At least he is not physically sleeping with someone else. Yes, my husband didn’t physically sleep with someone else. Pornography is a heart issue. According to the Matthew 5:28, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” In God’s eyes and in a wife’s, a person looking at pornography has committed adultery. My husband lusted after other women.
  2. Maybe you should make more effort in bed with him. My husband’s addiction happened way before I met him. I have no part in his addiction. Saying anything to this effect alludes that I have part of the blame in my husband’s addiction. You wouldn’t say, you should make better tea to a wife whose husband has a drinking problem.
  3. Maybe you should pay more attention to your appearance. My husband is attracted to me. Pornography is not about sexual attraction. Pornography addiction is about a chemical reaction and sin nature. During sexual process, the brain begins narrowing its focus as it releases a tidal wave of endorphins and other neurochemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and serotonin. These “natural drugs” produce a tremendous rush or high. When they are released during pornography use and other sexual addiction behaviors, we call them “the fearsome four” due to the severe addiction and many negative consequences they produce in the brain and nervous system(source). A porn addict is after the high, not the attractiveness of the person.
  4. Divorce is never the answer. Actually according to the Bible, adultery is grounds for divorce. Jesus said, “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery,” (Matt. 19:9). The word in Greek for immorality is porneia from which we get the word pornography.  Sexual immorality, i.e., adultery, is a grounds for divorce according to Jesus. (source) I am not saying divorce is the answer all the time, but if a husband refuses to acknowledge his sin then maybe it should be considered. I am excited that my husband is acknowledging his sin, getting biblical counseling, and working through his addiction. Just like God can give grace, so can a wife offer grace and forgiveness.Continue Reading