Mother’s Day is one of those days I have a very hard time with. I keep thinking each year would get better, but alas it does not. Here are some of my Mother’s Day reflections.
I still have a hard time dealing with the abandonment issues from my mother. I was put into foster care around age 12 because my father was abusive. My birth mother didn’t fight for me, but rather tried to hang on to my father. I was crushed and sometimes still wonder what my life would be like if she would have chosen me instead. I have been told she is mentally off and I know she was very co-dependent, so in a lot of ways I think it was better for me to have not been raised by her. Regardless, of what my head thinks, my heart still yearns for her. I could “find” her if I wanted to, but have chosen not to for my mental health. Some people are just toxic.
The fact that another Mother’s day is passing where I don’t have a child in my life leaves me heartbroken. In my eyes, my miscarriage makes me a mother. The world doesn’t see it that way though. I think just how hard I struggle to become a mom should entitle me some mother’s day love. Women who have infertility issues band together on mother’s day and give each other virtual hugs. I love the various TTC and infertility groups I am in. If you are experiencing infertility, please don’t go through it alone. Reach out to people. IT HURTS and having someone able to understand is a major help.
I am thankful to have my mother-in-law, who has accepted me as her daughter. We are planning a cookout meal for her on Mother’s Day. She is super sweet to me and accepted me into the family from the first time I met her. Though she is not the spiritual type, she gives me love and guidance. I pray that she accepts Jesus as her Savior, if she hasn’t already.
Sometimes God gives you a mother when you are almost done “growing up”. I arrived in my Foster Mom’s life when I was 15. I could tell her home was different than all the others I had been in. She was close to her husband, and close to each child in her home. This included me. She had 4 foster kids, 4 adopted kids, and 2 biological kids. I still had special alone time with her though. She was so easy to talk too. She let me cry. She understood my anger. She loved me for me. She did not judge me for the bad things I had done as a teen going through struggles. Between games of Rummikub and Lake Michigan trips to the cottage, she led me to trust on Jesus. She told me all the time that God had a plan. She shared with me Genesis 50:20 and ever since that point, that is my life verse.
My relationship with my foster mother has grown in the last 4 years as certain life events have made us grow closer. One is my infertility. She battled infertility for 9 years before having her first. She understands my struggle and hurt so much. I also know that she is praying for me to have my miracle. Second, was the murder of her biological daughter, Lee-Ann. The whole time she never lost her faith. Sadly, I lost mine for awhile but she understood and didn’t judge me or push me. I watched her deal this tragedy and admired her even more. She is alone as my foster dad died years ago, her son lives far away, her four adopted kids cut her out of their lives, and only a handful of her many, many foster kids still have contact with her. She took mainly younger kids, so many probably don’t even remember who she was in their life. Even with being alone she carries on. She is still sad and is carrying on. She is my hero! We may not be legally or biologically mother and daughter, but my heart says otherwise.
Title Photo Credit: Flickr Kaytee Riek (text added)