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Reflection: What do I want said about me?

I found out about another loss in my life. My foster sister Lee-Ann died this past week. Lee-Ann was my foster mom’s biological daughter. She was a couple years older than me. After I left the home I didn’t connect with her much as she stayed in Michigan. She married the same year I did and she has 2 beautiful children that are now without a mother to raise them. The death was not a good thing and there are actually cops involved. I can’t say too much because about that. Just pray for the family.

I reconnected with Tom my foster mom’s other biological child a couple of weeks ago. I  thanked him for allowing his mom to open their home up to me. Their home made a world of difference in my life, and still does to this day. I was never able to tell Lee-Ann this.

Lee-Ann was quiet growing up and from what I could tell was not that social at school. She loved the Lord and always had a smile on her face! She was a Cottonwood Clogger and it was because of her I that joined as well. She encouraged me to join and showed me that I could do it. I was able to enjoy 2 years of dancing because of her before I left for college. Lee-Ann loved music and though I never shared with her, a lot of her favorites were my own. Every time I watch Footloose I think of her. I wish I could have known her as an adult, I think we would of been great friends.

Now with both Jeanette and Lee-Ann passing, it has got me to thinking deeply.  I read their obituaries and everybody says such powerfully sweet things about them.What would people say about me?  I talked to my husband about this and he said, of course you impacted this world, you taught for 10 years. But I am wondering if I influenced the world outside of the classroom. Do people know I love the Lord? The way I see myself is different than other people perceive me I guess. I see myself always faltering in my faith. I see myself as someone who fails other often. I see myself as a wife that never seems to have it together. I see myself as a wife who can’t produce a baby for my husband.

In all honesty since Jeanette’s passing I have struggled with my faith. I still believe in God, but I guess I am having a hard time believing he is there for us. I mean Jeanette died thinking she had no friends, I now have no close friends who I can call on or hang out with, Lee-Ann died and left behind 2 sweet kids who my foster mom will never get to see again, I am unable to be a mommy (which is all I ever wanted to be), and my marriage is good but not great by any means. My husband struggles with pornography addiction and anger issues and that is tough to handle. I had a tough first 30 years with God by my side, why can’t I have some blessings too? I guess I am sick of being Paul.

In other news,I restarted my healthy lifestyle. Since the 1st I have lost 8 lbs. Mainly water weight bit I am still happy with that. I am walking everyday. If you are walking everyday or at least 3 times a week please enter my monthly challenge at Pixie Dust Savings. You have the chance of winning a $25 Disney gift card.

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