Skip to Content

Home » 7 Things You Should Never Say to the Wife of a Pornography Addict

7 Things You Should Never Say to the Wife of a Pornography Addict

Sharing is caring!

Since my husband’s pornography addiction has reared its’ ugly head again, I have reached out to others for encouragement because this is something you do not want to face alone. Well, not all the encouragement has been positive or even nice.  Some people, even Christians, just don’t know how to comfort someone who is facing this problem. Well, to start here are some things not to say. Yes, these things have been said to me by Christians and non-Christians alike.Things You Should Never Say to the Wife of a Pornography Addict

 7 Things You Should Never Say to the Wife of a Pornography Addict

At least he is not physically sleeping with someone else. Yes, my husband didn’t physically sleep with someone else. Pornography is a heart issue. According to the Matthew 5:28, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” In God’s eyes and in a wife’s, a person looking at pornography has committed adultery. My husband lusted after other women.

Maybe you should make more effort in bed with him. My husband’s addiction happened way before I met him. I have no part in his addiction. Saying anything to this effect alludes that I have part of the blame in my husband’s addiction. You wouldn’t say, you should make better tea to a wife whose husband has a drinking problem.

Maybe you should pay more attention to your appearance. My husband is attracted to me. Pornography is not about sexual attraction. Pornography addiction is about a chemical reaction and sin nature. During sexual process, the brain begins narrowing its focus as it releases a tidal wave of endorphins and other neurochemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin and serotonin. These “natural drugs” produce a tremendous rush or high. When they are released during pornography use and other sexual addiction behaviors, we call them “the fearsome four” due to the severe addiction and many negative consequences they produce in the brain and nervous system(source). A porn addict is after the high, not the attractiveness of the person.

Divorce is never the answer. Actually according to the Bible, adultery is grounds for divorce. Jesus said, “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery,” (Matt. 19:9). The word in Greek for immorality is porneia from which we get the word pornography.  Sexual immorality, i.e., adultery, is a grounds for divorce according to Jesus. (source) I am not saying divorce is the answer all the time, but if a husband refuses to acknowledge his sin then maybe it should be considered. I am excited that my husband is acknowledging his sin, getting biblical counseling, and working through his addiction. Just like God can give grace, so can a wife offer grace and forgiveness.

[su_box title=”Related Post” style=”soft” box_color=”#c4a2ff” radius=”0″]5 Verses for Wives of Pornography Addicts[/su_box]

Watch it with him, you might like it. Looking at another with lust is sin, how would the addition of a wife sinning add to the healing of the husband’s addiction? Even my husband knows this is wrong. When I first found out about my husband’s addiction, I tried it because that is what people suggested. Guess what? It didn’t fix the problem.

Why should you care about what gets him excited, as along as he comes back home to you. See explanation for thing #1.

It is no big deal. Yes it is!! Intimacy in marriage is very important to God. Intimacy is the foundation of the marriage. It is in the intimate relationship with my husband that I reveal myself, show my insecurities, and become closer to my husband. Pornography destroys trust and intimacy. It can be rebuilt though, and I am trusting God to make that happen.

Now that I that I shared what you shouldn’t say. You are probably wondering what you can say. Here are 3 things I have loved hearing as a wife whose husband is battling a pornography addiction.

  • Let’s Pray. Please offer to pray for me and my husband. God is the only person who can heal my heart. God is the only person who can free my husband from his addiction.
  • I can listen. I need someone who will listen to me. I am hurt, I am heartbroken. You don’t need to offer advice unless asked.
  • Let’s go out for Coffee. Sometimes I just need a distraction. Whether it is working, going out with friends, or church. I don’t need to be dwelling on the problem all time. Life is meant to be lived with joy!


Sharing is caring!

Heartbreak and God's Grace
← Read Last Post
Not Fitting In- The Social Effect of Infertility
Read Next Post →

nettie

Sunday 5th of July 2015

I've been in your shoes--with my first husband. Yes, I did leave him. He was emotionally abusive, as well as very addicted to porn. The lying...oh, the lying. It's so hard on a wife in so many ways. As for responses from people, I got a combo of #s 5, 6, and 7, and they crushed me. When I told a girlfriend about his addiction and how it was destroying our marriage, I was expecting her to be supportive, but she responded with, "Oh, porn? ALL guys do THAT. No reason to let yourself get all upset about it." Well...I WAS upset. I was very young at the time, and remember thinking maybe I was overreacting. But I wasn't. It destroys marriages, relationships, and people. Thankfully, my 2nd husband (of 17 years) abhors porn because he realizes what it truly is. He had a short stint during college where he dabbled in porn, but when God tapped him on the shoulder and convicted him about it, he stopped completely and had a complete heart change about it. He was one of the lucky ones who didn't go on into an addiction. I just wanted to say I hope your husband has a complete heart change about it, too. And I understand how hurt you are.

April

Sunday 5th of July 2015

Thank you for your encouragement. God is working in my husband's heart and our marriage. I am sorry about your friend's response. A lot of people, even Christians don't fully understand since the world and its' ways have infiltrated the church.

Jamie

Thursday 26th of March 2015

Our world is so dark. So many think there is no problem with this, but there sure is!! The best you can do, is let someone know you're there, and that you'll be praying!! :)

Brandi @ penguinsinpink

Thursday 26th of March 2015

April, this is so true. Every one of those points was spot on. Sin in any form is sin. i know this was hard for you to talk about and I'm awed by your bravery. I will be praying for your husband's strength and healing. I will also be praying for your heart.

April

Friday 27th of March 2015

Thank you so much. The prayers are very much appreciated <3

Amanda

Thursday 26th of March 2015

I really enjoyed how you were honest and factual. "You wouldn’t say, you should make better tea to a wife whose husband has a drinking problem." Made me chuckle because that is so true. We often judge without knowing what is going on underneath its not an eye issue its a heart issue. Thanks for sharing!

Starla J @ Pressing In and Pressing on

Wednesday 25th of March 2015

It must have taken such bravery in posting this. I'm praying for you. The pain is deep and personal when it comes to sexual sin. I know. ((Hugs)) come join me for a cup of coffee. :)

April

Friday 27th of March 2015

thank you for the yours prayers. God is working and I can feel it.